The other day I wrote up a Amazon review of a newish book "The 50/50 Solution: The Surprisingly Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier and Healthier after a Split" by Emma Johnson. Reposting here in case this would be useful for anyone.
50/50 custody, rights, and responsibilities is usually most fair and best for all
In cases of divorce or a split-up with kid(s) involved, what's the most fair outcome, for the kids and both parents, in terms of who the kid spends time with and who is both responsible for the child and has the right (and privilege) to be an influence on the child's development?
The answer is clearly 50-50: the child should spend roughly half their time with one parent, half their time with the other parent, and both parents should be equally responsible for the child's upbringing, including financially.
This is what's fair, this is what's equal: the child loses out the least on both parents—or gets to experience the most amount of good time with one parent, consistent with the other parent having the same—and each parent is equally responsible for the child. Also, with equal child-free time they might especially focus on their career(s), their relationships, hobbies or whatever: no parent is uniquely burdened with childcare responsibilities so that they cannot pursue other parts of their lives.
This is the ideal that Emma Johnson successfully argues for in this book: it is FAR superior, for children, and parents, that the typical and traditional "mom has the kids almost all the time and dad 'visits' with them every other weekend and maybe one night a week." This too often results in dad being just a financial provider (and often drifting away, if he gets the sense that he's no longer valued for anything beyond $) and the mom (still) financially dependent on him and unable to cultivate her own financial independence, because she's with the kids all the time.
Johnson reviews lots of psychological research showing that 50-50 custody options tend to work best for kids' development. "Oh, but that would be so hard on them, going back and forth between houses!!" some say. "Oh yeah? But how hard would it be on them to pretty much lose a parent? And how hard would it be on that parent, if they get the sense that they're no longer part of their kids' lives?" Again, fair and equal is best.
This topic often degenerates into "girls versus boys / men versus women" stereotypes that Johnson admirably and wisely rejects and urges us to overcome. She sees both sides of the issues and sympathetically understands why and how men and women, or mothers and fathers, often respond to these issues in the not ideal—indeed, often just plain selfish—ways they do, and urges everyone to do better and be fair—both for the kids and for themselves. She encourages women to become financially independent (she's the author of a webpage "Wealthy Single Mommy"—the name says what that's about) and she encourages fathers to become more active, engaged parents (although she does recognize that *sometimes* mothers act in ways that make that hard for fathers: again, she's fair and honest—she's *that* type of feminist, and expresses disappointments with "feminists" who don't seem to be as concerned about real fairness and equality as they should be!).
This topic often also degenerates into many "What about?" responses: whatabout parents with drug problems? Whatabout parents who have been violent? Whatabout parents who haven't been involved in their kids lives much yet???" She response with care, compassion, and hard-nosed good sense, often urging people to think about how we'd respond to these "what abouts?" in the context of a married couple and, often, taking that response to these cases. And, of course, these are comparatively rare cases: typically there are no issues like these that should preclude a 50-50 arrangement so people are often just trying to deflect by bringing them up.
So why isn't there more fairness, more equality in divorce with children cases? Well, times are a-changing, and things are moving in that direction, thanks to the research and advocacy efforts that Johnson documents and contributes toward. But, like many things, the problems are due to inertia— the legal system is set up to favor one parent having the child or children nearly all the time—and the money that's bound up in that system: there often are strong financial incentives for at least parent to resist 50-50 parenting and equal responsibilities. This is very unfortunate and I hope that this book helps individuals seek fairness and equality in these hard situations and helps people changing society make these changes, sooner, since we will all benefit, kids and parents alike.
#divorce #sharedparenting #parenting #custody #childcustody #family #families
Review here:
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